I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
