Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
