what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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