never play flip cup with pint glasses
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
