Little spoons don't ask big questions
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
