So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
