so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
