I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
