If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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