My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
