She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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