I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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