Yo dont text me then not text me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
