im about as happy as oj after his trial
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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