You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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