My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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