Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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