At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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