You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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