what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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