guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
