Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize