I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
