Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Damn victory sex feels great
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
