I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
