I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
