Moan for me like Helen Keller
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
