The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
