Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
