found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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