dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
