I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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