make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
