You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
