So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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