I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
