Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
