All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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