mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
PANTIES FOUND
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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