i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
