I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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