I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
