3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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