just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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