saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
