but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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