Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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