i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
