When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
