he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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