Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
