I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
