I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
