I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
