I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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