I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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