I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
