You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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