She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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