First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
