I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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