My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
