I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
