A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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