I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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