you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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