Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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