i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
