a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
