i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
