Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
