I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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